I turned 40 last week. Holy crap.
Where did all that life go? How much do I have left to live? Am I over half way? And if I am, how many quality years do I have left to achieve what I haven’t yet achieved and dearly want to achieve?
Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had a good life so far, a privileged upbringing with loving and supportive parents and sister, holidays abroad and the best education available to me. I have a Bachelor of Design degree and spent my 20’s doing all sorts of odd jobs while travelling and ‘finding myself’. This independent time in my life rebuilt my confidence and allowed my adventurous nature to let loose. I fell into a career in IT that has allowed me to earn good money (comparatively to other industries) without having to retrain or be particularly technical. I’ve had a few long and loving relationships interspersed with long stints of being happily single and carefree. I have two homelands, New Zealand and England and feel at home in both – but inherently I’m a kiwi.
I’m now happily married to the love of my life, we have a beautiful home with inspiring 180 degree views of hills, water and big skies. I’m a part time mum to my husband’s beautiful kids who are great kids and have taken to me and their new life with ease. I have amazing parents in-law and extended family who have helped me through my quick transition into parenthood. I’m a full time mum to a beautiful fluff-ball of a dog Toby who I delight in everyday. I sing in amazing bands with amazing musicians and am really happy to have tapped into this creative outlet and to have made so many beautiful friends who share in this passion for music. I have a beautiful group of friends, old and new, I’ve always been surrounded by great friends. I have a stable job in a NZ owned Business Applications Solutions company enjoying rapid growth and run by two inspiring women… but I’m still not happy.
Shouldn’t I be happy? This all sounds pretty good right? Some people have so much less than me, with less opportunities and less comfort. So why does my soul feel so sad? Why do I weep whenever I start to dig deeper, when I start to listen to my heart and not my head? I believe it’s because I’m not living my life’s purpose. There is still more for me to accomplish in this life and I’m not doing it yet.
So what do I want?
I want to start writing. I want to paint. I want to be doing more creative things. I want to quit my job. I want to stop working for someone else. I want out of the rat race. I want to do my own thing and find my own path. I want to run my own businesses. I want to feel the pride and sense of satisfaction of creating a successful business venture from the ground up. I want to have a baby. I want to contribute financially to my family even once I’m a mum. I want to be fitter and exercise everyday. I want to shed 10 kilos and keep them off. I want to spend more time outdoors. I want to redecorate and modernise our home. I want to invest in properties. I want to travel more. I want to retire early and sail round the world with my husband. I want to connect with the universe and meditate everyday. I want to serve my soul. I want to find out what my purpose in life is and then live more purposefully. I want to do too much!
Do I want too much? Who says there’s a limit to these things? I make my own rules right? No. I don’t want too much, I want what I want – that’s all there is to it. I’m not going to censor that just because others may not think it possible. But what do I need to do or give up in order to get all that I want in life? There’s a question, what do I need to GIVE in order to GET all that I want in life? Something to explore further…
What do I need in order to do all this?
I need more time in the day. I need to prioritise all the things I want to do. I need focus. I need to set SMART (Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Relevant & Time bound) goals to steer me to where I want to be. I need to set a target date for when I quit my job and take a leap of faith to work on my own business full time. I need to learn to live on a tight budget. I need to let go of a comfortable salary and the feeling of security that it brings. I need to stop doubting myself. I need to believe that I can be successful in business. I need to be able to catch myself out when using self defeating language. I need to truly believe in my abilities. I need to understand my strengths and build on them. I need to be able to pick myself up and keep going when I get knocked back. I need to never give up. I need to create the life I want and not just hope that it will one day turn out the way I wanted it to. I need to stop procrastinating. I need to stop being scared. I need to get out of my own way. I need to truly believe that I’ve got nothing to lose and so much to gain. I need to publicly announce my intentions so that I am held accountable for achieving what I need to do in order to have the life that I want.
So, here I am. I’m starting a blog. I’m going to diarise my journey towards creating my own business and lifestyle that I deserve, want and need on such a deep level and my journey to discovering my souls purpose that I’m destined to fulfil. I’m going to find my writing style as I go and I’m hopefully going to help some people learn from my experiences, successes and mistakes along the way. I may even bring inspiration to some people as I begin to inspire myself, who knows! The main point is that I’m going to be pretty damn embarrassed if I give up or don’t achieve what I set out to achieve! Hence publicly citing my intentions and my progress for as long as anyone would care to read about it and until I get to where I want to be.
Right. So I’ve started writing, that’s great! Now what?
Well, I’ve set myself some goals to getting my business up and running while I’m still working full time and I’ve set a target date of when I want to quit my job. I’ll be sharing these with you in my next post!