Something Has Changed

Today I was going to write about milestones, you can’t achieve these Big Hairy Audacious Goals without breaking them down into nice bite size chunks. I’ll get to these tomorrow because they’re important, but today I want to change tack for a minute, because somethings happened…

I feel different today. I actually feel physically different and no I’m not talking about my sore muscles because I’ve started working out again! Everything seems brighter, visually I mean, crisper and brighter. I’m feeling positive. Sure I still have those niggling doubts and thoughts that present themselves as they do but you know what? They present themselves and I go ‘Oh you, yeah I know you. Nope, you can go now thanks’ and I get back to feeling good. I’m doing this very consciously and sometimes it takes a while for me to register that they’re there but I am recognising them and choosing not to listen and buy into that crap.

And I’m calmer. I had a meeting at work today that actually started like this “This is actually going to be a negative meeting Debra, because I’m hearing this, this and this… and I think this, this and that”. I started to feel my mouth dry up but that was the worst thing that happened to me physically. Normally I’d get unsettled, hot, nervous, anxious and uncomfortable. And mentally, emotionally I was feeling ‘Oh that’s not cool, I wonder why? I want to find out because, well, I just plain don’t believe it actually.’ Normally the self doubts would would come crashing in early and I would buy into what I was hearing. I’d clam up and not have any good rebuttals or comebacks. I’d walk out of there and want to go somewhere and cry. I’d go home and tell my hubby what a shit day I’d had and feel sorry for myself. I’d feel under valued and I’d just want to quit. I’d go back the next day hating the whole situation.

Instead, today, I found myself thinking “Is this going to be negative? Why? Nope, I don’t think so”. And you know what? I turned that meeting around! I listened, I didn’t take anything personally, I questioned, I probed and I shared. I was honest, I accepted some truths and I denied what I believed were untruths. I didn’t ‘buy into’ the story that this was going to be a really really negative shit meeting that was going to leave me feeling deflated.  By the end of the meeting I had left the door open to more discussions, there were smiles, there were relaxed shoulders, there were action points and there were words of thanks. I also came away inspired and thought ‘If I’m going to be here another 6 months then I’m going to leave a great legacy behind me!’. 

So whats changed? I’m not sure, but I’ve changed. I’m changing. I can feel it. I feel alive with the action I’m taking. I am changing my mindset consciously by committing to these goals and taking the step of writing this blog, but also on another level, I feel like I’m changing energetically. Normally the type of situation like the one I had today would’ve drained me, sucked my energy and made me feel empty and weak. But the opposite happened. And not only did I feel good coming out of it, so did the people who were there. They felt lighter and relieved too, I could tell from their body language. I shaped the outcome of that meeting and turned a negative energy into a positive one that affected everyone, not just me. That feels pretty damn awesome!